relief

Migraine drugs are AWEsome.

The chat with Mom went better than I expected. She flinched when my brother said "You totally were oblivious to Jake, Mom. He called for his Granny and you were just...oblivious."

I did NOT call "that's fucking bullshit" when she said she and (him) (he no longer warrants a letter and typing out douchebag boyfriend gets tiring) went for long walks on the beach. So...he can walk the beach but not Xcaret. Bull-fucking-shit. I said nothing. My brother said nothing although in the car we looked at each other and went "that was bullshit."

At first she was typical Mom...talking over my brother. Nice to know she doesn't hear him either but by the end she was all "You're right. I missed...a lot. And I did skip the dolphins. That was (him's) influence." Here's hoping she starts wondering about how else (he's) influenced her.

We purged. She can think. We're all still talking to each other. Phew.

By the way - have I mentioned migraine drugs are AWEsome? They fucking rock!

j

into the breach

Fuck.

Me.

I.

Don't.

Want.

To.

Do.

This.

This is going to end badly, my friends. As I told Mr. Cute Ass. "I want to barf. I want to cry. I'm going to crarf."

j

quicky

The only one not really "for" me moving is my mom.

Of course she's not listening to me when I speak and may not, by the end of the day, be talking to me at all. My brother's calling her today as she doesn't seem to be returning his calls or calling him period. Or her grandson to wish him a belated 5th birthday. Ask me how impressed his Aunt is. Go on. Ask. -growl-

Thanks to the bossy Innocent, it looks like I'm taking a weekend trip next week to check out Kelowna. It's another migraine day. Another migraine? Or the same one? I dunno. All I know is everything hurts from the tips of my bangs to the tips of my toes.

I know. I still owe y'all a Taboo write up. As soon as I stop wanting to invest in a guillotine to halt my sore head...I'm on top of it.

j

my rope

Just broke.

I can't do this anymore. I can't handle it anymore. The pressure, the pain it's constant. My head hurts. My neck hurts from the stress. My back hurts. I'm nauseous.

"It takes time and patience," my mom said, "to find a trigger."

The trigger, I wanted to scream, is that fucking wind!!! "I have NO more time nor patience," I said as the tears fell. Defeat has rippled through me. I can't. I just can't.

The wise, old sage, Innocent, is constantly bombarding my broken brain with the words to "Go." I'm checking hotel prices at the moment to head to Kelowna to check it out this weekend. I don't even care what kind of hotel. Someone cheap, with shuttle service to the airport.

This is to check out the town, see if it fits, see if I like it as I haven't been there since I was 10-ish (or again whenever the volcano erupted...how annoying my nephew would know but I need to google. 7...I was 7.)

Into the breach, dear friends. Into the god damn throbbing breach.

Update: Flight prices are waaaaay better next week since it's not "last" minute. I save $200. Tough call.

j

crossroads

With three days of migraines behind me (for now) and the news threatening my head with a mild winter, the thought of leaving the Chinooks behind has taken root.

To move west. More importantly in the Okanagan Valley. Not sure why that area has landed in my head. I haven't been there since Mt. St. Helena's erupted in the 80s and we emerged from our motel to find the station wagon covered in ash while dad grumped "This is going to affect the match." (We would go there for a shooting competition...really the only reason why we'd travel.)

MLS.ca has been seducing me with houses and Monster.ca has been mocking me with a decided lack of employment there unless I do retail. My favourite book store is hiring there. Hm. Or oooh a job at a winery? -hick-

I mentioned it to my mom in a stilted (not the intervention) conversation upon her return from Mexico and she all but escorted me to the border. I was asked why I don't just leave, what's keeping me here.

What's keeping me here....

Two tow-headed boys who fill my life with absolute joy. One who settled in for a snuggle as there was no older brother dominating his Auntie's attention. One who rested his cheek on my chest that hours earlier was decorating it with dinosaur cookie cutters. They are what keep me here.

I ask myself does the heart ache out weigh the head aches. I'd be alone. Utterly alone with all my friends and family not there. Although Mr. Cute Ass did say "well hm...I have four friends already living there, one contemplating it..." Wonder if his nomadic ways would take him there. hmmmm....

Crossroads.

It is coming before me though first I guess I should get them to fix the hole in my drywall first before I sell. Glad garbage bag spotted walls - not a good selling feature.

j

reflections

It isn't that he's a bad man. Or even a bad person.

I watched Jake's face screw up in confused contemplation then he reached over to tap. "Excuse me, Granny," he said, "can you help me?" He shifted to the edge of his chair, turning his beloved Leapster to face his beloved Granny to help him with the complex level 3 puzzles.

She barely looked at him. Barely looked at the small Leapster screen. "Oh you ask your Auntie Jenn. She's much better at that."

I sipped my wine as I watched him half-stand there, tugging on his fair bangs. She turned away from him and I wanted to flinch for him. She returned to the conversation between my brother and her (bah) boyfriend. "Hey baby," I said, "what's the problem?"

Dark grey-ish eyes looked at me. "This is very hard, Auntie." He returned to his chair and I shifted closer to eye up the puzzle. I rubbed his back while the Mexican music filtered down on our table.

How, I'd wonder for a week, had she missed the point? It wasn't whether she could do the puzzle (which is aged for 5 year olds so she could) it was the fact that all week this was the question: "We're going swimming with the dolphins, Granny. Are you coming?" "We're going to the park, Granny. Are you coming?" "Where's Granny?"

It was exchanging a look with my sister-in-law. "Do you think Mom stepped up?" as we rode to Tulum. My sister-in-law shrugged. "I hope so."

A year ago we wouldn't have wondered. Jake wouldn't have asked. Granny would've gone swimming with the dolphins. Granny would've gone to the park. Granny would've been right. there.

I want to ask snidely, "So Mom, what's your favourite memory of the boys in Mexico? The few minutes in the pool? Oh wait...breakfast? Maybe dinner."

My brother, sister-in-law & I have been talking about this for a week. "It's not even that he's not Dad," I told her as we talked. "Yeah sure at the very beginning it was the shock that it wasn't Dad but now...now..." I paused and looked at my sister "Now, she's not my mom."

"How do we do this?" My brother asked me. I stared at my wall. "I don't know. I don't know."

"We can't attack (him). It can't be about (him)."

"No. God this is going to go badly."

"So what's the worst that will happen? She doesn't talk to us for a few months. What's the best?"

"She dumps him?" I asked hopefully. "Right. Not about (him). I dunno that Mom comes back."

"It's like you said. She dropped out of the hiker's club. She loves that. So she's going to do what? Sit around and play bridge until she dies? That's not her. That's. Not. Her." My brother growled into the phone. "It's like she gave up all the independence she's gained. What do we do, Sis?"

"I don't know. We'll probably get a letter." He snorted at my answer. He started to repeat himself about how he, Jake and mom were in the pool then (he) moved and Mom immediately left the pool, ignoring Jake calling for his Granny to go see why (he) moved into the shade. I listened to my brother repeat himself. Heard the frustration in his voice. The banked anger.

"How do we do this?"

"I don't know," I answered quietly. "I really don't know."

Our conversations are the same now. Hours of it and I'm grateful his phone number is in my Fab Five. How exactly do you hold a mirror up to your mother's face and make her see? Can you?

This is going to end badly.

But then again...it's already going badly. I dread her return on Saturday. I dread what we're going to do. I dread what happened. I dread the conversation. But then I remember my gorgeous nephew begging for her attention for a few minutes and my resolve hardens. She hurt him. And that...

That is unacceptable.

j

and then...

I deleted 47 pages out of 47 pages of my latest manuscript.

It got broke.

Don't know where or how. All I know is it got broke and I stopped writing.

It's about when my tough ass vampire chick went wussy. I mean you can't be 4 centuries old and be a sucky pants. She turned into a sucky pants.

Tsk tsk.

j

for the record....

I feel like hell. Fucking hell.

Just thought I'd let you all know in case you missed it.

j

on hold

Everything's on hold right now.

Western winds are blasting over the mountains yet again and the migraines are think upon me.

My brain hurts.

-sigh-

A lot.

j

bueno

The highlights.

First we were threatened with Hurricane Ida. Patio furniture was removed from everyone's patio and balcony, loungers were tied down, windows were taped, the beach was sandbagged as were the buildings, crappy breakfasts were handed out in styrofoam containers "just in case" and then came...nothing. A big ol' nothing which only made the mosquitoes party hardy. Little bastards. Jake looked like he had the chicken pox. Poor thing.

On Wednesday my brother, sister-in-law, two nephews and I went to swim with the dolphins. Where, you ask, was my mother? Gooooood question. Her boyfriend, whom I now loathe, didn't want to go so she didn't either. He wouldn't even come watch so she could swim the dolphins. I knew she wanted to. Could see it in her eyes. Jake freaked out because the dolphins were a lot bigger in person than Disney portrayed them to be though he did pet it. On the video you'd never know he was screaming "NOoooooo I don't want toooooo!" then spent the rest of the time sitting on the stairs looking small. No screamed until my brother fetched his soother. Thankfully there was music so you didn't hear him screaming "Soozer. Where's my soozer???" (soother) It was, despite all that, spectacularly awesome.

Thursday was the sister-in-law & I off to the Mayan ruins of Tulum. A. Maze. Ing. It was stinking hot, took forever, we didn't eat after 7 am until 3:30 pm when we got back to the resort but it was...breath-taking. Truly breathtaking. Where was my mom, you ask? Good question. Her ass boyfriend didn't want to walk a lot so...she didn't come along.

Friday the dolphin crew headed out to Xcaret which as also amazing. We watched baby quails hatch, stood in a bat cave -shudder-, ate shitty food, oohed over baby turtles, and watched a black panther prowl his jaguar island. Where, you ask again, was your mom? Again...good question. Her douche of a boyfriend didn't want to walk again so....she didn't come along. Though you could see she really wanted to come.

For a woman who got really pissy about not being invited to their last vacation, we sure as shit didn't see her on this one aside from meals. "Granny," Jake would ask, "are you coming to swim with the dolphins?" "No." "Why?" "Granny," Jake would ask, "are you coming to the park?" "No." He stopped asking why. The sister-in-law and I weren't entirely sure she'd step up to help my brother while we were hanging with the Mayans. She did. Thank fuck. Still though none of us are truly impressed. And for a guy who can dance for hours, he sure couldn't walk all of a sudden. Granted he complained about the heat, the sun, the booze, the food, the cilantro, the bugs. Uhm...you do know we were in Mexico right? There's talk of us holding an intervention because what we witnessed with my mom on this trip was a bunch of bullshit. So much for her phrase of "My family comes first."

The flight home was, in a word, loooooong. Poor No. He did not do well with this trip. For one he wasn't eating. If No isn't eating, you know he's sick. Although he did devour my ice cream cone pretty damn fast. So he cried on the plane ride and a woman complained. Seriously? What did she want the steward to do? Bounce us out of the plane? He's a baby. Babies cry. What's ironic is that she was traveling with her own kids. Uhm....hello? Remember what it was like when they were little? Bah.

Aside from the drama, the rain, the mosquitoes, the flattened frog, the resort food, the sunburn there were laughs, memories and one hella good trip.

Next up....Saturday night at Taboo with my oh-so-vanilla friend.

j

home

Details to come.

Food to buy.

Freckles to appear through peeling sunburn.

Mom's boyfriend is a douche bag.

I have a hole in my NOT fixed wall.

Took Cassie to the Taboo Sex Show after she scooped me up at the airport.

Like I said - more details to come.

j

adios

Off to Mexico for a week.

Miss me but know I'm wise to you people and there will be no kegger parties...without me.

j